I just finished reading Raising Good Humans. This book is a guide to mindful parenting. Together with The Positive Birth Book, I think this is the most important book I’ve read about how to raise a kid. It has impacted my everyday actions as a parent. I cannot recommend this book enough.

Here are my notes:

• Foreword
• “I was apparently subscribing to the Unpredictable and Unhelpful style of parenting.”
• “I didn’t need more information. I needed insight and strategies based on those insights.”
• “Eventually, I found my way to mindfulness classes.”
• “It was about noticing – noticing what was going on in and around me at any given moment. (…) I learned to get curious about what I noticed.”
• “there will always be hard parenting moments.”
• “My mindfulness practice made a huge difference in my parenting experience.”
• “I had no idea what to say to my kids when I wasn’t yelling at them.”
• “Want some major personal growth? Six months witha preschooler can be more effective than years alone on a mountain top.”
• “as serious as this parenting gig is, we dn’t need to take it so seriously.”
• Introduction
• “My greatest wins as a mom stem from moments of failure.”
• “I slowly sat up with the realization that I’d frightened m innocent toddler. My actions had damaged our relationship. It would have been easy to blame her and push through. But I had the presence of mind to realize that I could choose to start over instead.”
• “My children actually cooperate without threats or punishment (98 percent of the time).”
• “How did that happen? Through my committing to use practical strategies drawn from mindfulness, compassionate communication, and conflict resolution. And that’s what this book is all about.”
• “I learned not only how to stop losing my cool but also how to create strong relationships.”
• “Now my children cooperate because they choose to, not because I threaten them.”
• “I hope to take you on a shortcut (…) and give you the eight essential skills that I’ve found matter most.”
• “The reality of toddlerhood hit me hard.”
• “[we] started to see her as a tiny ticking time bomb. (…) My full-time days at home with her left me jumpy and exhausted.”
• “It wasn’t long before I started having my own mommy tantrums too.”
• “she pushed buttons in me that I didn’t even realize I had. At that time, I didn’t know that I was reenacting m own father’s temper, perpetuating a pattern passed down through the generations.”
• “The day I sat on the hallway floor, I had two choices: I could shame and blame myself (…) Or I could accept what was happening and learn from it. SO I took my anger and used it as a teacher.”
• “I needed to respond to my daughter with more skillful language”
• “But the reality is that sometimes we don’t like our kids, and sometimes we behave impatiently, yell, and act mean.”
• “you can choose to use it as a catalyst to learn and change.”
• “What do you want for your kids? After you answer that, the big question becomes, Are you practicing these things in your own life?“
• “children tend to be terrible at doing what we say but great at doing what we do. (…) Therefore, the onus is on us to brehave the way we want our children to behave.”
• “This book will help you model calmer, more thoughtful interactions with your child. You’ll learn how to communicate skillfully (…) You’ll learn how to take care of your own triggers so that you can show your children how to take care of their big feelings.”
• “We should behave as we want them to behave. It’s so simple – and not easy at all.”
• “We expect children to be respectful, yet we continually order them around.”
• “Children start to resent their parents. By the time they are adolescents, they’ve had it (…) Then we’ve lost our influence when our children need it most, during the teen years. Sometimes our relationships remain irreparably harmed into our children’s adulthood.”
• “You demonstrate the kind and respectful communication you want your child to learn. You be less reactive in the moment and respond to your child more thoughtfully. (…) You hbehave as the good human you want your child to be.”
• “you’ll learn about harmful patterns that may have been passed down through the generations in your family.”
• “Now I was on a mission to change things. Not only was I not physically punishing my children, I was also trying not to yell.”
• “The old patterns of harshness, anger, and disconnection have been transformed in my family.”
• “when we threaten our kids, they learn to threaten others.”
• “Most parenting books don’t tell you that all their good advice goes out the window when your stress response kicks in”
• “Reduced reactivity and effective communication are taught via eight skills (…): 1) Mindfulness practices to calm reactivity; 2) Awareness of your story; 3) Self-compassion; 4) Taking care of difficult feelings; 5) Mindful listening; 6) Speaking skillfully; 7) Mindful problem solving; 8) Supporting your peaceful home.
• “I invite you to look at the difficulties and stresses of parenting as your teachers”
• “The first half is about the foundational work you can do personally to calm your reactivity. The second half is devoted to skillful communication”
• “The inner work is the vital foundation for your communication work.”
• “Then, you’ll become aware of your own story and suss out your triggers.”
• “I created the Mindful Parenting course out of the struggles in my own life. I was a mom feeling as if I was failing at the most important job in my life.”
• “Mindfulness and skillful communication are the two wings that allow us to fly.”
• “Dedicate this time to not just reading about these concepts, but realizing them in your own life.”
• Mindful Parenting Manifesto
• “A Mindful Parent is a new generation of parent: present, evolving, calm, authentic, and free.”
• “Mindful Parents practice self-compassion and see their challenges as teachers, not flaws.”
• “Mindful Parents (…) begin anew every day.”
• “Mindful Parents live what we want our kids to learn”
• “with every step, they are changing things for the generations that follow.”
• Part I: Break the Cycle of Reactivity
• Chapter 1: Keeping Your Cool
• “Here’s the important part: all of these reactions just happen by themselves. We aren’t “choosing” to turn on our frustrated thoughts, helpless feelings, or physiological stress reaction. We react in those moments on automatic pilot.”
• “Often, our autopilot script is a replay of the same language our own parents used in those situations.”
• “We are at our worst in the parenting department when we’re in reactive mode.”
• “In this chapter, we’ll start by looking at the nervous system and how it can undermine our parenting.”
• “These nearly instantaneous reactions in the body are there to help you fight off the threat or flee to safety.”
• “The stress response (…) literally cuts off our access to the upper brain.”
• “Ancestral humans wouldn’t have made it if they’d paused to be thoughtful about saving their children from a saber-toothed tiger.”
• “in today’s world, these autopilot stress reactions often get us into trouble.”
• “Because of this wiring for survival, we all have an innate propensity to be aware of things that could threaten – a negativity bias.”
• “the negativity bias can undermind your connection to your child”
• “Our view of our children can become narrow and biased.”
• “Left unexamined and unchecked, our biology is setting us up for a negative experience of parenting.”
• “the deepest parts of the brain – the brain stem and the limbic region – as the areas largely responsible for our stress response, the famous fight, flight, or freeze reaction.”
• “these areas of the brain mainly control basic body functions (…), innate reactions (…) and strong emotions (such as anger, fear, and disgust).”
• “these reaction bypass the upper areas of the brain, which handle the much slower mental processes of thoughtful decision making.”
• “The upper areas of the brain, especially the prefrontal cortex, which lies right behind our foreheads, (…) is home to the characteristics we need to parent mindfully: Rational decision making; Conscious control over emotions and body; Self-awareness; Empathy”
• “you literally cannot access the rational part of your brain when your stress response is triggered.”
• “it takes intentional practice to learn to respond differently.”
• “there is a time-tested intervention: mindfulness meditation.”
• “Mindfulness meditation is the stealth tool that will make all the difference in calming down your reactivity.”
• “the awareness that arises through paying attention on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally” — Jon Kabat-Zinn
• “Mindfulness is a quality we are aiming for; mindfulness meditation is the tool for building that quality in ourselves.”
• “Mindfulness meditation has many benefits and effectively zero negative side effects.”
• “after an eight-week course of mindfulness practice, (…) the amygdalae, actually apppear to shrink (…) the prefrontal cortex (…) becomes thicker!”
• “This means that meditation is physically changing the brain (wow!) in a way that weakens our reactivity!”
• “This ability of the brain to change is called neuroplasticity, and it can happen throughout an individual’s life.”
• “your intention to parent thoughtfully will no longer be hijacked by your reactivity.”
• “practicing mindfulness gives us a sense of equanimity and the groundedness we need to parent well.”
• “Your child has the same eractive stress response as you have.”
• “when you need to connect with your child, it’s important to crouch down to her level and be conscious of how your body and voice might be coming off as threatening.”
• “We spend most of our time with our children in automatic pilot mode. Our minds are fixed on accomplishing goals, solving problems, planning, and strategizing the day ahead or the next day.”
• “mentally planning dinner while our children are telling us about their day”
• “we’re not really in the present moment with our children.”
• “We might miss the signal that our children need a hug or help instead of more direction”
• “we can bring that awareness, kindness, and curiosity to our children, bypassing a whole host of problems that arise with distraction.”
• “parental presence is key to optimizing the chance of your child having a life of well-being and resilience.” — Dr. Dan Siegel
• “We’re aiming for “good-enough” parenting.”
• “It’s a great way to realize the difference between our normal, distracted, habitual mind and the practice of being fully present.”
• “A short meditation practice is the gold standard for reducing your reactivity.”
• “Meditation is simply a method of training your attention to reduce stress and reactivity.
• “We take care of our bodies with exercise and nourishing food. Meditation is how we take care of our minds. To practice, all you need is your breath.”
• “Choose a regular time each day to establish the habit of sitting meditation. (…) Your goal is to make meditation a habit as regular as brushing your teeth.”
• “You need to practice regularly if you are going to be ready for your equivalent of the big game – your child’s tantrum.”
• “eventually aiming for twenty minutes a day.”
• “Bring your attention to your breath and your body. Let your mind be spacious and your heart be kind and soft.”
• “The goal is to spend more time in the present moment and less time lost in distraction.”
• “Each time you discover that your mind has wandered is an opportunity to do a “rep” and build that mindfulness muscle. Even if you think you are doing this badly, it is still working.”
• “you will gradually become more grounded and aware.”
• “You’ll start by dinfind one activity to practice mindfully each day. You’ll use this activity as a time to slow down and pay attention with kindness and curiosity.”
• “Wash the dishes relaxingly, as though each bowl is an object of contemplation. (…) Consider washing the dishes the most important thing in life.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
• “What activity will you choose to practice mindfully? Choose one habitual task that you do every day on autopilot.”
• “practice being mindful of your body.”
• “In challenging parenting moments, paying attention to our body has a grounding effect.”
• “The more you practice awareness of your body, the more you’ll be able to see and feel the challenging emotions that arise before they build up to anger.”
• “You may feel pleasant or unpleasant sensations.”
• “you should expect the mind to wander – a lot*. The brain is a thinking machine.”
• “far more than toys or lessons, your child needs you – the authentic you underneath all of the stress and reactivity”
• “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” — Thich Nhat Nanh
• “we take a lot of mental shortcuts in family life by using labels.”
• “Since our kids are always changing and labels are static, we must realize that labels can be unreliable.”
• “Another way we take shortcuts is with routines. Family life is repetitive”
• “The truth is that every morning we wake up with a new child.”
• “We suffer when we think of our feelings, behaviors, and thoughts as “always” and “never”.”
• “what’s at the root of your fear when you’ve discovered that your child has lied (again)? Most likely you fear that your child will always be this way”
• “Without the thought (…), you’d bee in a much more grounded and calmer state to deal with the actual situation.”
• “Being present means really seeing, hearing, and understanding your child.”
• “What if we could see our moments with our children with fresh eyes? We can, and it’s called beginner’s mind.”
• “When we practice beginner’s mind, we can see the world as it is, rather than our old ideas of how we think it is.”
• “Consider beginner’s mind as a practice of trying to see each new experience as exactly that – a new experience.”
• “And remember, what you practice grows stronger.”
• “Practice: Beginner’s Mind on a Walk: Start by seeing the activity of walking with fresh eyes, as if you don’t know what to expect”
• “Practice: See Your Child with Fresh Eyes: Imagine that you’re meeting your child for the first time. (…) Pay close attention and allow yourself to be surprised.”
• “We can intentionally practice mindfulness in our lies with children using the tool of mental and verbal acknowledgment“
• “Acknowledgment shows that we are seeing and accepting the truth or existence of something, suc has the child’s hurt feelings.”
• “[children] have a great need for us to recognize their thoughts and feelings – to really hear and see them.”
• “Acknwoledgment means “I see you”.”
• “Acknowledging our feelings is a mindful way of deflating the drama bubble. Feeling irritated with your kids? Say what you see out loud”
• “Anger is often the result of other feelings that have escalated to exasperation”
• “practice saying what you see.”
• “[bring] your attention to each moment as it comes rather than imposing ideas about how it should be.”
• “To note internal feelings, look inside.”
• “To note what is going on with your child, say what you see.”
• “Our thoughts are mental words or pictures that grab our attention.”
• “Instead of letting these thoughts rule you, you can interrupt them and unhook from the thought. How to do that? Put the phrase “I’m having a thought that…” in front of your negative thought.”
• “This acknowledging gives you a bit of space (…) so that you can choose to pay attention to the present moment.”
• “Negative thoughts also prevent you from making good choices.”
• You can take your mindfulness into daily life by interrupting these unhelpful thoughts with acknowledgment.”
• “Notice when you are getting tight, constricted, irritated, or sad. Then notice if there is a thought behind the sensation or feeling”
• “Breathe. Then choose you rnext action from a place of clarity.”
• “Our minds will continueto tell us stories. However, unhooking from these thoughts can help us choose our actions with more intention.”
• “Make unhooking from these unhelpful thoughts a regular practice.”
• “Mindfulness gives us the space to be able to choose what to say next.”
• “Our reactive moments are when we are at our parenting worst.”
• “While our wiring to react may be helpful in emergency situations, most of the time we are far more effective, thoughtful parents when we can calm down our stress response.”
• “Mindfulness meditation is a research-proven way of building that nonreactive muscle, bit by bit, over time. That’s why it’s a foundational skill.”
• “we are going to dive deeper into self-awareness to look at the way we were parented andn the stories that shape the way we parent now.”
• “What to Practice this Week: Mindfully eating a raisin; sitting mindfuleness meditation 5-10m 4-6x week; mindful everyday activity; beginner’s mind practice; acknowledgment practice; unhooking from negative thoughts.”
• Chapter 2: Disarming Your Triggers
• “The best predictor of a child’s well-being is the parent’s self-understanding.” — Daniel Siegel
• “Once you establish a steady meditation practice, you can expect your reactivity to reduce over time.”
• “[During the early years of parenthood] We are under intense psychological strain. We’re back in the parent-child relationship, and it’s hard to recognize how much baggage we’re bringing from the past.”
• “Anger would well up like I hadn’t felt it since I was… a child.”
• “Like little spiritual masters, children have an uncanny ability to reveal our unresolved issues.”
• “Want some major personal growth? Six months with a preschooler can be more effective than years alone on a mountaintop. It might just be the fast track to enlightenment.”
• “it can be truly helpful to see our times of parental difficulty and challenge as opportunities to heal old wounds.”
• “we can show up with more presence for our children, allowing us to be a comforting presence for them when they are hurting.”
• “when we understand why we are so reactive – what old patterns and wounds are being triggered for us – we can begin to heal (…) rather than repeating dysfunctional family patterns. We can have a chance to refrain from unwittingly passing this baggage onto our kids.”
• “When unresolved issues are writing our life story (…) we are no longer making thoughtful choices about how we want to parent our children” — Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell
• “I bet you remember plenty of moments when your child said or did something that triggered an outsized reaction from you
• “Without awareness, you react out of old conditioning – that’s when your mom or dad’s voice flies out of your mouth.”
• “you can practice some restraint (deep, slow breaths!) and interrupt any old, harmful patterns of shaming and blaming your child.”
• “you’ll start to understand when you are present and responding thoughtfully, and when you are reacting out of old conditioning.”
• “Your goal is to simply increase your self-awareness bit by bit, day by day.”
• “Sam could see that her anger was coming from her own conditioning.”
• “She knew if these issues remained unconscious and unresolved, she would just pass on her baggage to her daughter.”
• “You don’t have to repeat the patterns of your parents and grandparents.”
• “The following exercise will help you start to understand how your experience of childhood affected you.”
• “Resolving our past hurts sometimes means that we have to face the difficult feelings that come along with them.”
• “In reality, it’s a shame how often we deride ourselves and each other for having strong feelings. It’s like berating someone for breathing.”
• “Anger is one of our most powerful emotions (…) Anger is a strong motivator for action and change, which can be beneficial.”
• “An interesting feature of anger is that it can hold us in its grip for a while.”
• “We exaggerate all the negative qualities of the person who is the target of our anger and become blind to any positive aspects”
• “Anger is often called a secondary or “iceberg” emotion because underneath it is often a host of other feelings that are driving it: fear, sadness, embarrassment, rejection, criticism, stress, exhaustion, irritation, and more.”
• “It is important to understand that ideas and beliefs – ingrained in us in childhood – can trigger our anger.”
• “However, [yelling] rarely solves the situation.”
• “Almost immediately, yelling triggers the fear center in children’s brains, causing the same stress response that we looked at in orselves”
• “They are not “misbehaving” in these moments, they are experiencingn a stress response.“
• “So the efects on their behavior are bad in both the short and the long term.
• “Yelling also erodes our relationship with our children.”
• “Also, sadly, children sometimes think that their parents who yell don’t love them, setting them up for a lifetime of limited self-esteem.”
• “I invite you to make your goal to yell less.”
• “we (and our nervous system) are products of thousands of generations of humans who evolved to be aware of threats.”
• “events in our early childhood that we may not even remember could trigger an emotional ersponse that swamps our rational brain’s ability to override our limbic system.”
• “What are those “buttons” that your children push?”
• “When we realize in the mids of a difficult situation that the “lacking in control” trigger is coming up, for example, we’re already interrupting the usual autopilot reaction.”
• “I invite you to take a full week to track every time you yell or feel like yelling. The goal at first is (…) to understand where [your actions] are coming from.”
• “strong emotions are part of being human.”
• “When my sleep was being interrupted at night, I was on the brink of losing it almost every day.”
• “When we’re not meeting our own needs, we have nothing to give.”
• “Reducing our overall level of stress might be the number one most effective thing we can do to yell less.”
• “Our children lose out by having an ungrounded parent who is frequently on the brink of collapse.”
• “Does any of this ring uncomfortably close to truth for you? If so, I invite you to journal on where your belief that “good parents sacrifice themselves for their children” comes from.”
• “I want you to realize that self-care is not selfish. On the contrary, it’s your parental responsibility.”
• Three top ways to reduce stress: 1) exercise regularly; 2) get enough sleep; 3) spend times with friends and family.
• “Friends can pick you up when you’re sad, provide insights when you’re confused, and help you have fun when you need to blow off steam. Prioritize time with your loved ones.”
• “Your regular mindfulness meditation practice (…) will also serve you (…) by helping you to interrupt rumination – the habit of going over and over thoughts that induce anxiety”
• “Meeting your own needs for sleep, exercise, meditation, and time with friends is essential to living a happier life as a parent. Plus, you are modeling how to live life for your child.”
• “Is your child learning (…) a lack of self-regard and self-worth?”
• “there will be inevitably be times when you lose it.”
• “Anger is tricky because there are costs to both showing your anger and suppressing it. (…) Happily, there is a third path.”
• “Anger is an energy that needs to move through our body”
• “I like to call this “taking care of” our anger: we release the energy of anger and calm down our nervous system.”
• “We will practice restraining that autopilot reactivity in favor of some new responses.”
• “When you’re about to lose it, the nervous system perceives a threat or an obstacle. So you must let your body and mind know that you are safe in the moment.”
• “As long as your child is safe, it is far better to go to the next room than to scream at your child.”
• “telling ourselves, This is not an emergency. I can handle this.“
• “the anger has built up an excess of energy in your system that you need to release. (…) Instead, try shaking it out”
• “laughter is the antithesis of anger”
• Other techniques: yoga pose, breathing exercises.
• “as you practice, you’ll be carving out new neural pathways in the brain. Remember, what you practice grows stronger!.”
• “eventually you’ll remember mid-yell, and then before you yell.”
• “When we can start to take care of the energy of anger and let is pass through, we can be more present for our children and their big feelings. (…) we demonstrate that there’s nothing “wrong” with having big feelings, that it’s simply a part of being human.”
• “Constantly questioning and judging myself just leads to me being reactive in the moment rather than present.”
• “As you practice these tools, you’ll be giving your child something that most of us never had – a model of how to take care of the energy of anger.”
• “Triggers can be deeply ingrained in our person.”
• “What to Practice this Week”: 1) Sitting meditation; 2) Track Your Triggers; 3) Breathing Practices to Release Tension; 4) Your Yell-Less Plan
• Chapter 3: Practicing Compassion – It Begins with You
• “[Practicing compassion] releases us from the self-hatred that prevents us from responding to our life with clarity and balance.” — Tara Brach
• “My thoughts were harsh and bitter; I was saying things to myself that I would never say to another person.”
• “What we say to ourselves in the privacy of our own thoughts really matters.”
• “when we are squeezed, what’s inside is what will come out.“
• “Way too many of us respond to our mistakes and shortcomings by merciless judging and criticizing ourselves.”
• “Shame leaves us feeling trapped, powerless, and isolated.”
• “Shame is a feeling of badness about the self. Guilt is about behavior – a feeling of “conscience” from having done something wrong”
• “guilt can be helpful and adaptive, while shame is destructive and doesn’t help us change our behavior.”
• “Shame corrodes the very part of us that beleives we are capable of change.” — Brene Brown
• “When you feel like a terrible person, it’s almost impossible to empower yourself to make a change. Furthermore, if we want our children to have self-compassion, we must model it.”
• “That harsh critical voice from a parent becomes the inner voice of the child.”
• “The second arrow is our reaction to the first. The second arrow is optional.”
• “We can choose to bring kindness and self-compassion to our suffering instead.”
• “Imagine if, instead of self-shaming, we could offer ourselves the kindness and understanding of a good friend. How might that change things?”
• “Self-compassionate people set high standards for themselves, but they aren’t as upset when they don’t meet their goals. (…) Research also shows that self-compassion helps people engage in healthier behaviors like sticking to their weight-loss goals, exercising, quitting smoking and seeking medical care when needed.” — Kristin Neff
• “Neff breaks down self-compassion into three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.”
• “We can start by noticing and interrupting our negative self-talk. (,..) just try to catch it in mindful awareness.”
• “It’s not likely that you’ll ever get rid of the critical mind, but you can create a new pattern. THat’s the gift of neuroplasticity“
• “Instead of indulging in the harsh inner critic, find truthful, kind words that soothe your frayed nervous system. Think helping instead of shaming.”
• “the truth is that we are all mistake-making humans and imperfect parents. Our imperfections are what make us human.”
• “we have to recognize, through mindfulness, that we are suffering.”
• “Think of all the suffering you inflict upon yourself through harsh self-criticism and self-judgment.”
• Loving-kindness practice: “you start by simply generating the feeling of loving-kindness towards someone who’s easy to love. Then you practice extending it to yourself, then to those with whom you have difficulties.”
• “This is a practice tat, when done regularly, can change you rinterior landscape”
• “Picture someone in your life who has truly cared for you, someone who is easy to love. Picture this person in your mind and recite the following phrases: May you be safe; May you be happy; May you be healthy; May you live with ease. (…) Repeat the phrases over and over, letting the feelings come fully (…) Now practice loving-kindness toward yourself. You can picture yourself as you are now or picture yourself as a four-year-old child.”
• “If love and joy are what you want to give and receive, change your life by changing what’s inside.” — Wayne Dyer
• “Who we are matter simmeasurably more than what we know or who we want to be.” — Brene Brown
• “Parenting is (…) a beautiful opportunity to be intentional about what you want in your life.”
• “Think of kindness as the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate – wanting to see others happy – and empathy as the way we do so.”
• “We forget that if we use force, manipulation, and fear with our children, they will learn to use these tactics with others. Instead, if we want them to value kindness, we must practice kindness”
• “kindness and empathy drive connection, and connection drives cooperation.”
• “At its simplest, empathy is our awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people.”
• Theresa Wiseman’s breakdown of empathy: 1) “To be able to see the world as others see it”; 2) “To be nonjudgmental”; 3) “To understand another person’s feelings”; 4) “To communicate our understanding of another person’s feelings.”
• “Empathy is our parenting superpower – it’s the skill that will help your children achieve the holy grail of their own emoational regulation.”
• “When we parent with empathy, we become more connected to our children”
• “self-care is not a “nice to have” kind of thing. It’s your right and your responsibility.”
• “As soon as you label a thought as “judging”, you’ve already lessened its power.”
• “Try to keep in mind that children who act bad feel bad (…) Too often we don’t take our children’s suffering seriously.”
• “Your judgmental voice can also turn on your mindfulness practice.”
• “parents in this incredibly fast-paced world need patience desperately. Our nervous system receives the simple act of hurrying as a threat, which triggers the stress response.”
• “It really only takes the space of a few breaths.”
• “I want to leave the house right now. When my impatience gets the better of me, I am a reactionary and grumpy mom.”
• “a child’s speed is much slower than an adult’s. Children are naturally in-the-moment creatures and curious about the world around them. Too often, we adults are indoctrinating them into the hurry-all-the-time habit.”
• “patience is particularly helpful to nurture when your mind is agitated and your thoughts are running wild”
• “I urge you to practice being patient with yourself. (…) It’s totally normal to feel like an enraged rhino at times.”
• Mantras for patience: “I help my child most when I am calm.”, “When the kids start yelling, I get calmer.”, “It is what it is.”
• “[remind] yourself that there is nowhere to go and nothing else to do when you find the mind judging, agitated, or fidgety.”
• “Downtime is a good thing.”
• “Chances are, you’ve been trained from childhood toward achievement and goal setting.”
• “The feeling of not being okay drives us on to improve, right now! This sets us running on a hamster wheel of insecurity”
• “Instead, I’m going to ask you to cultivate the attitude of nonstriving.”
• “Letting go of striving (which is always directed at some future state) helps us become more present to what is actually happening.”
• “it means showing up, applying ourselves, and letting go of the outcome. It is truly healing and restorative for us to let go of our agendas from time to time and simply let life unfold.”
• “Nonstriving does not mean inaction, instead it means holding things lightly.”
• “The good-enough parent is a concept derived from the work of pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott (1973). The basic idea is to chill out a little bit”
• “In fact, [these struggles] help your child develop resilience.”
• “reacting with blame, shame, and harsh criticism does not help.”
• “Can we let go of our own striving for perfection?”
• “They need to see you mess up, make amends, and still value yourself – so they know how to do it themselves.”
• “Who you are as a person inside counts quite a lot in terms of who you want your child to be.”
• “Cultivating more awareness of what’s really going on (…) (rather than hanging onto our stories or thoughts), is the foundation for all meaningful change”
• “Increasing your awareness of the inner critical voice may feel uncomfortable and discouraging initially, but I encourage you to not give up.”
• What to practice this week: sitting meditation; loving-kindness practice; notice the judging mind; practice kindness, empathy and self-compassion; mantras for patience.
• **Chapter 4: Taking Care of Difficult Feelings”
• “Unwittingly, the oh-so-natural instinct to avoid the unpleasant becomes the root of hatred. It leads to war: war within, war without.” — Stephen Cope
• “the mommy tantrum is not an effective parenting tool. It left us both feeling sad and chaotic. It was the kind of emotional messiness that many of us don’t anticipate when becoming parents.”
• “Now we’re going to look at resources you can use on a day-to-day basis to take care of difficult feelings for yourself”
• “Suppressing our feelings is another unhealthy emotional pattern that previous generations have passed down to us.”
• “Many of us respond to pain or discomfort in one of two ways: we either attempt to block out our feelings or we become flooded by the emotions we’ve been trying to suppress.”
• “Becoming flooded by fears and sadness can lead to a sense of hopelessness and powerlessness.”
• “What are your habitual responses to feelings? (…) When you’ve identified your common responses, start to notice them in everyday life.”
• “Blocking and becoming flooded are two sides of the same coin. (…) rather than walking the middle path of mindfully feeling and processing our emotions as they arise.”
• “In the middle path, you are neither pushing away difficult feelings or situations, nor are you subsumed by them. Instead, you learn to accept and feel the sensations brought about by your emotions”
• Pain X Resistance = Suffering
• “Fighting against the reality of our pain makes it worse – it creates suffering.”
• “Your resistance has added an additional layer of suffering.”
• “what you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” — Carl Jung
• “I like to think of our feelings as toddlers: they will not give us any peace until we truly see and haer them.”
• “accepting and staying with that unconfortable (…) feeling often lessens the discomfort and sometimes allows it to completely disappear.”
• “in yoga you go to the edge of your discomfort and rest there.”
• “Acceptance (…) means that you acknowledge that this is a part of your experience in this moment.”
• “Continue to interrupt and change harmful thoughts”
• “A simple way to practice accepting our feelings is the acknowledgment practice”
• “when you practice accepting the emotions that arise, don’t do it with the intention of changing it. This is a subtle form of resistance”
• “Luc Nicon suggests that all of our mental efforts to tame our feelings may actually backfire (…) when we fully immerse ourselves in the sensory input of our feelings – without deep breathing (…) – they dissipate and dissolve most easily.”
• TIPI: “you need to fully feel the physical sensations that accompany those emotions.”
• “Do not try to understand or control [the feeling].”
• “1. Close your eyes. 2. Pay attention to two or three physical sensations (…) 3. Let those sensations evolve, continuing to note them. (…) 4. Observe with curiosity and without interfering”
• “Our thoughts can resist the full acceptance and immersion that healing requires.”
• “Exercise: Experiencing Yes vs. No: (…) sit quietly. Bring to mind an emotion that you find yourself resisting. Make sure this emotion is nontraumatic. Pay attention to your throat, chest, and stomach. (…) Now start to say no to this feeling. Repeat the no for a minute (…) Now start to say yes to the feeling. Repeat the yes for a minute or so.”
• “you’ll likely find that no increases the tension in the body, while yes softens you”
• “Releasing your resistance will help ease the pain of your difficult feeling.”
• “The only way out of our difficult feelings is through.”
• “Therefore, I grant you persmission to feel all the feels.”
• “make sure that you are in a safe, calm, and stable place before you begin processing difficult feelings.”
• “Are the feelings that are arising traumatic and deeplytriggering? (…) It’s a good idea to seek out the support of a therapist”
• “RAIN is an acronym that can help you remember the mindful way through difficult emotions: Recognize, Allow or accept, Investigate, Nurture.”
• “The mindful way through difficult emotions starts when we recognize that we’re having an emotion and label it. (…) As soon as you label it, you bring the verbal part of your brain in the prefrontal cortex back online.”
• “say to yourself, “I am feeling” rather than “I am“.”
• “After recognizing the feeling, the next step is more of a nonaction: allow it to be there. (…) imagine that we are holding our difficult feeling in our arms like a baby.”
• “Next, we gently and mindfully investigate why this feeling has arisen. (…) be curious about it (…) This is your mindfulness practice in action. (…) Don’t go down the rabbit hole of thinking here.”
• “take the time to be curious about what this feeling needs. How can you nurture yourself with compassion?”
• “RAIN can help you move through your emotions”
• RAIN practice: sitting down, “bring to mind a recent time when you experienced a difficult emotion. (…) Bring yourself to the place where you most feel the challenging emotion.”
• “Taking care of our difficult feelings on a regular basis may be one of the most significant practices in this book”
• “I urge you to practice.”
• “(Remember living what you want your kids to learn?)”
• “it’s okay for children to cry.”
• “because the prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until children are in their early twenties, they are more prone to becoming flooded by strong emotions.”
• “as parents we need to expect and accept children’s difficult emotions.”
• “do we really feel okay about our children feeling anger or sadness? (…) We distract them with toys or screens. We tell them, “Don’t cry”. We say, “You’re okay”.”
• “Don’t tell children not to cry. Crying is a cathartic release for all children, and when they are done, they feel better.”
• “We can practice accepting the emotions, but we can (and should) prevent violent behavior.”
• “modeling taking care of your own anger is by far the most effective practice.”
• “Once we have established the foundational belief that all feelings are acceptable, we can become herlpers and coaches, modeling for our children how to take care of their strong feelings.”
• “Remember, it’s better to take a break than to lose it.”
• “Tantrums are children’s way of expressing their frustration. (…) there’s not much you can do to help except stay present, keep him safe, and prevent him from hurting people or damaging objects.”
• “Your silent presence is a powerful response.”
• “When your child’s done with his tantrum, support him with your physical presence. Offer hugs, snuggles, and back rubs.”
• “Do not send your child to her room or isolate her. Instead, stay with your child. (…) Sit or get down low to be at your child’s level. (…) You may notice embarrassment (…) or anger arise. (…) Remember that staying present is enough. (…) As the tantrum subsides, offer hugs and closeness. Don’t rush to the next thing. Move slowly and allow time for recovery.”
• “Telling your child the story of an experience can help him process both the events and the emotions he is feeling in a healthy way.”
• “When I look around at the difficulties in the world, it seems that most stem from people being unable to take care of their difficult feelings. We can start to turn this pattern around in our own families, changing things for generations to follow.”
• What to practice this week: sitting meditation; loving-kindness practice; TIPI practice; RAIN meditation; experiencing Yes vs no; Staying with a tantrum.
• Part II: Raising Kind, Confident Kids
• Chapter 5: Listening to Help and Heal
• “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.” — Dalai Lama
• “My response in a moment like this could either escalate or deescalate the crisis.”
• “While mindfulness is the essential foundation that helps us become more grounded, it’s not enough.”
• “This chapter gets us started with that second wing to help us fly: skillful communication.”
• “It’s easy to be skillful in the happy moments. Not so much when someone has a problem.”
• “Conflicts in relationships are the result of each party trying to get his or her own needs met.”
• “So before we answer “What do I say?” we have to know who has which problem.”
• “In fact, problems and conflicts are ideal places to practice curiosity and empathy. Normally, we go into these situations with preconceived notions about who is at fault.”
• “making fewer assumptions can really help.”
• “kids are simply trying to meet their needs (usually unskillfully and immaturely, but isn’t that the definition of being a kid?)”
• “This week, when there ar emoments of friction between you and your child, I want you to start to ask yourself two questions: 1) What are the needs that my child is trying to meet? 2) Who owns this problem?”
• “It’s your need to enjoy a tidy home that is not being met.”
• “Start to notice whose needs aren’t being met.”
• “You don’t have to solve or fix all of your child’s problems.“
• “It’s true that when children are helpless infants, we should endeavor to solve all of their problems. However, as they grow, our role changes. Instead, we shift toward becoming mentors, helping them solve their problems.”
• “Practice slowing down and pausing before you respond to your child.”
• “When we can look at conflicts without judgment, we can respond more thoughtfully.”
• “Students with helicopter parents were less open to new ideas and actions and more vulnerable, anxious, and self-conscious. A student with ‘hovering’ or ‘helicopter’ parents is more likely to be medicated for anxiety and/or depression.” — Julie Lythcott-Haims
• “It didn’t feel great to leave her when she was upset, but it was better than erupting into a mommy tantrum.”
• “it turned out that I had inherited a way of speaking that triggered resistance in my daughter.”
• “I know firsthand how frustrating it is to realize that the way you’ve been communicating could be damaging your relationship. Remember your mindfulness foundation.”
• “Relationships are built on connection, and connection is develped through our interactions – through communication.”
• “it’s often in our closest relationships (…) that we tend to withdraw our attention. It might be because we are on autopilot or in “doing” mode (…) Or maybe it’s the phone in our hands.”
• “Children really need us to really be there – body, mind, and spirit”
• “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?” — Thich Nhat Hanh
• “Every time your child talks to you, he wants to make a connection. And every time he wants to connect, think of the act as a bell of mindfulness”
• “When we listen like that, our children feel seen and heard.”
• “Listening attentively is the gold standard for helping others when they have a problem.”
• “Sometimes listening is all it takes to find a solution!”
• “They want us to accept them exactly as they are, uncomfortable feelings and all.”
• “we accept them and their feelings (not necessarily their behavior).”
• “Try saying less and listening more this week!”
• “Make it a practice to stop talking and simply listen with your full attention. Think of it as a mindfulness practice”
• “After putting away intrusions, focus your body language toward your child.”
• “You’ll find yourself interrupting the old habit of solving everything and instead being more observant and curious.”
• “some responses are better than others.”
• “None of those responses acknowledge the person’s feelings.”
• “Barriers to communication: blaming, name calling, threatening, ordering, dismissing, offering solutions.”
• “Variously, these responses send the message that the child is at fault, her feelings don’t matter, or she’s incompetent.”
• “I used threatening, blaming, and even name calling far more than I’d realized.”
• “Unless we make a conscious effort to change how we talk, we repeat familial and cultural patterns.”
• “you have to become aware of when you are using them.”
• “Remember that when our children come to us with a problem, they want to be heard, understood, and accepted.”
• “reflective listening – reflecting back the content and the feelings behind what they said.”
• “This acknowledges what’s going on and opens the door for the child to talk a little more.”
• “reflective listening asks us to guess and put a name to what that person is feeling. (…) it helps bring our children’s upper brain (…) back into the picture.”
• “Practice: Reflective Listening: (…) Respond with your understanding. Express empathy.”
• “Your primary job is to pay attention mindfully.”
• “If your response was accurate, then your child will feel understood and will have gained insight into his problem.”
• “Sometimes when we use reflective listening, our children feel really heard and accepted, and the story keeps “unpeeling””
• “As you learn these tools, remember to walk the middle path between extremes.”
• “Reflective listening also works with infants and preverbal children.”
• “The most common [error] is trying to listen empathetically when you are simply not in a good place to listen. (…) be direct and honest about that.”
• “Other common reflective-listening errors include: Echoing (…) Exaggerating or minimizing feels (…) Starting each feedback withthe same phrase (…) Reflective listening to everything that your child says”
• “The more you work at reflective listening, the more naturally it will come”
• “Responding to our children skillfully starts with a large does of mindfulness”
• “The primary step to effectively solve any problem is to be present“
• “If this was not the kind of communication modeled for you as a child, then remind yourself that it’s like learning a new language.”
• Chapter 6: Saying the Right Things
• “Treat a child as though he already is the person he’s capable of becoming.” — Haim Ginott
• “Listening is the gold standard in helpin others and building connection.”
• “But what about when you have a problem? This is the chapter from which you’ll learn how to talk to your child so that you can get your own needs met”
• “We’re conditioned by society to push aside our needs in favor of our children’s”
• “Your needs are just as important as your child’s.“
• “you must start with awareness of your needs.”
• “If you’re a card-carrying people-pleaser, you may have had a parent who put his or her needs last. It’s time to break that unhealthy generational pattern, for you rown sake and for the sake of your child.”
• “Children need healthy boundaries. Research has shown that children who grow up with permissive parents – who don’t uphold healthy boundaries and appropriate behavioral expectations – are more likely to be more self-centered, lacking in self-regulation and impulse control, and have higher ragtes of drug use than other children”
• “Children are by definition immature. We can expect that they will inevitably annoy, disturb, and frustrate us.”
• “When their behavior interferes with our needs, we must find ways to communicate that do not cause resentment and resistance”
• “let’s look at what not to say (…) ordering, threatening, advising/offering solutions, blaming, name-calling/judging, dismissing. Using these methods will stop the flow of communication between you and your child, leading to resentment in the child.”
• “If you realize that your own language has been a source of resentment and resistance for your child, practice self-compassion”
• “Children face an avalanche of orders from adults every day, and they resist being told what to do.”
• “Threating causes a similar kind of resistance in children. (…) the child is backed into a corner and will either resist or submit, but either way it causes resentment.”
• “[With blaming] The child may feel guilty, unloved, and rejected.”
• “Your closeness and connection with your child is what makes her want to cooperate with you. Both blaming and name calling damage that connection and should be avoided completely.”
• “Have you ever been in a situation where you’re ready to do something nice for someone when that person directs you to do exactly what you were about to do on your own? (…) Or you may have gotten irritated because it seemed the other person didn’t trust you enough to do it on your own.”
• “children don’t like to be told what to do.”
• “Can you see how these very typical responses can cause resentment?”
• “Yet, this way of talking with children is socially acceptable.”
• “If you look at all the unskillful language discussed above, there is a common theme: the message is all about “you” – the other person. Children experience you-messages as judgmental evaluations”
• “If my needs aren’t being met (…) this is my problem.”
• “The good news is that since language and habits of speaking are learned, they can be unlearned.”
• “To shift our language, we have to shift our intention.”
• “Let’s be real: in our interactions with our kids, we’re usually trying to manipulate them – to make them do something.”
• “We need to change our way of thinking from changing the other to expressions our own unmet needs.”
• “Whatever the situation, we can get curious about the unmet needs underneath.”
• “We can express ourselves with an intention of curiosity and care – for both ourselves and the other.”
• “Our unconscious mindset may be: I Don’t trust you. I have to make you do what I want you to do. Let’s think about how your interactions might change if instead you were coming from a perspective of: I need to make sure my needs are being met.”
• “Because in all human interactions, we’re trying to get our needs met.”
• “If we try to just apply the “technique” without shifting to an intention of curiosity and care, our children feel the difference.”
• “What makes them want to cooperate? A strong connection and honest communication of your feelings about how their behavior affects your needs.”
• “If we refrain from blaming and shaming (…) our language naturally shifts to an “I” perspective. The I-message is a tried-and-true method of skillful communication”
• “They also help us take ownership of our own feelings rather than implying that they are caused by our children.”
• “We can even use I-messages to express praise and appreciation more skillfully.”
• “Kids receive an I-message as a statement of fact about what the parent is feeling, so it causes less resistance.”
• “Start by using your mindfulness foundation to check in with yourself (…) Once you are aware of how the behavior affects you personally, you can share that honestly with your child.”
• “When you express with honesty and kindness what’s going on for you, your child will have little to argue with. Your statement now invites empathy rather than resistance”
• “Thomas Gordon coined the term “I-message” and first described it in Parent Effectiveness Training (1970). According to Gordon, a clear I-message has three parts: a nonblameful description of the behavior, the effects it has on you, and your feelings.”
• “I-messages require us to step out of the role of all-knowing parent and be real.”
• “Since our minds are constantly evaluating the world for threats, judgments will arise easily and often.”
• “Even the practice of simply pausing to think about what to say will improve the way you speak.”
• “I-messages are the most skillful means for communicating without causing resistance in our children. But they are not easy. They take skill and practice.”
• “They’re in the habit of resisting you. (…) You want to turn that train around, but it has a lot of momentum.”
• “Anytime you feel the urge to add the word “like” after “I feel”, it’s probably not a word that describes your emotions”
• “Children can tell when we downplay or exaggerate how we feel, and they see it as dishonesty.”
• “Sometimes just telling your child how you feel about his behavior is enought, but if it’s not working, the problem could be neglecting to explain how it affects you.”
• “The effect can be the hardest part of an I-message.”
• “discomfort in my body (…) is a truly legitimate effect.”
• “You’ll have more success when the effect is on you – the sender of the message.”
• “Your I-messages also may not be working if you are shouting them from another room.”
• “Always remember that it is your connection to your child that forms the foundation for his desire to cooperate with you and help you meet your needs. So connect: stop what you’re doing, get down to his level, look your child in the eyes, then share your message.”
• “Write down this mantra: Connect, then correct.“
• “For your confrontation to be loving and effective, come from a nonjudgmental perspective of getting your needs met, maintaining the relationship, and helping your child see the effects of his behavior.”
• “[I-messages] are also a powerful tool for sending positive messages too.”
• “When I see my girls at the bus stop, I usually say, “I’m so happy to see you!” right aawy rather than peppering them with questions about the school day.”
• “When you focus your energy on acknowledging the positive, you build a sctrong connection, which helps enormously if you need to confront a problem behavior later.”
• “it actually gets easier and easier over time, because our children are used to receiving and giving respect.”
• “we speak [to our children] in a way we would never speak to our friends or our friends’ children.”
• “We give commands constantly (…) From our children’s point of view, our orders are relentless.”
• “How would I say it to my friend’s child?“
• “another way (…) is to simply set the limit with a single word (…) Instead of barking the order, (…) you can just point to it and say “Helmet”.”
• “we can even add a dash of fun into the mix. Our attitude and energy is infectious”
• “Setting limits playfully is a wonderful idea”
• “If it gets them giggling, you’re doing it right.”
• Suggestions: “Get into character”, “Become contrary”, “Use silly language or sing silly songs”, “Tell a crazy story”, “Become incompetent”, “Use dolls, toys, or your hand as a character”
• “This gets kids giggling and puts them in the responsible adult seat when they help you.”
• “If we can summon some energy to be playful instead of serious and demanding, we create that connection by bringing a sense of fun into everyday activities.”
• “We’ve had generation after generation of orders and threats. But now that we know better, we can do better.”
• “play the long game and continue to practice. It’s about progress, not perfection.”
• “you’ll start to gradually see less and less resistance from your child. And unlike orders and threats, using I-messages and setting playful limits will make parenting easier over time.”
• “She will come to see you as a real human with feelings and needs of your own.”
• “Sometimes your child’s own needs are strong, and you have a conflict of needs.”
• Chapter 7: Solving Problems Mindfully
• “Instead of teaching children how to consider their own needs in relation to the needs of those around them… we force children to do what we want because it seems more efficient, or because we lack the energy or skill to do it differently.” — Oren Jay Sofer
• “Instead, I listened reflectively to each daughter (occasionally reminding the other not to interrupt). I summarized my understanding of both sides. Then (…) I talked about the needs of each daughter, separate from the solutions. They both had a need for fairness! Once we figured that out, they were able to come to a resolution.”
• “Conflicts are a normal, natural part of family life”
• “research has shown that siblings have a conflict on average once an hour, and, on average, parents have a conflict with their adolescent once a day”
• “when we accept that conflicts are normal, it becomes easier to let go of the irritation that arises.”
• “Conflict is normal. Why? Because we all have needs, and often we go about meeting our needs in ways that interfere with someone els’s needs.”
• “If your child has a strong need that is interfering with your needs, that is a conflict of needs.”
• “what do you do when [the previous] tools aren’t enough? Then, you need more nuanced conflict-resolution skills. That’s what this chapter is all about.”
• “In an authoritarian parenting approach, the solution to a problem is handed down from above by the parent.”
• “Authoritarian parenting styles stem from the belief that, in order to develop properly, children need to be punished for bad behavior and be rewarded for good behavior.”
• “parents who use the authoritarian approach pay a high price for obedience.”
• “One of the biggest problems with punishment is that it doesn’t actually teach our children anything helpful. (…) what it’s ultimately teaching them is that the person with the most power wins, fair or not”
• “Punishment causes resentment“
• “Punishment can be psychologicaly damaging.“
• “Physical punishment, such as spanking, is hugely damaging.”
• “Yelling isn’t much better.”
• “Punishment focuses children on the “consequences” they suffer, rather than on the consequences of their behavior to someone else. This makes a child more self-centered and less empathetic.”
• “Punishment teaches children to lie“
• “Punishment doesn’t teach children good behavior“
• “The motivation for cihldren is to simply avoid punishment. They lose many opportunities to develop their inner moral compass.”
• “children will mimic our dominating behavior, learning to use their power over others who are less powerful.”
• “Punishment makes kids less likely to cooperate. Punishment – even time-outs – erode our relationships with our children”
• “Your child identifies you as the cause of his suffering, so his anger and resentment builds.”
• “Some parents believe the answer is to let the kids make the rules. This is permissive parenting.”
• “What if you believe that children are inherently good and that they have a deep knowledge of what’s best for themselves?”
• “When permissive-style parents and their kids have conflicts, solutions are generally up to the child.”
• “With this approach, the tables are reversed and the parent can start to resent the child. Permissive parenting tends to make kids more self-centered, less able to self-regulate, and even more at risk of using drugs. (…) their behavior is often more out of control.”
• “like children of very authoritarian parents, children of excessively permissive parents also miss out on opportunities to learn two crucial life skills: empathy and self-discipline.”
• “A child without much empathy or self-discipline is set up for a life of struggle.”
• “Both authoritarian and permissive parenting approaches treat conflict resolution like a zero-sum game”
• “It is usually possible to find ways to meet each party’s needs so that everyone can win.”
• “Instead, let’s ask this question: How do we find the middle path, where everyone can get their needs met?”
• “I believe discipline is the key, and by discipline I don’t mean creating obedience through punishment but via teaching, mentoring, and modeling for our children.”
• “When our children inevitably frustrate, irritate, and annoy us with their behavior, they are trying to meet some need of theirs.”
• “It’s easy for us to get stuck on the level of solutions.”
• “once we get down to the level of needs, an obvious solution will appear.”
• “Conflict resolution starts with connection, so I turn my body toward my daughter”
• “Steps of Win-Win Problem Solving: 1) Identify needs, not solutions. 2) Brainstorm as many solutions as you both can think of. 3) Evaluate what will meet both of your needs. 4) Make decisions on who will do what and by when. 5) Check in to see if everyone’s needs have been met.”
• “Get it on paper so that your child can clearly see that his needs are solutions are being acknowledged.”
• “The most critical and challenging part of this step is separating your needs from your solutions. Often when people use the word “need” they are actually referring to solutions to an unexpressed need.”
• “Do not evaluate the ideas while brainstorming.”
• “A checkmark for any solutions that everyone agrees on; An X for any solutions that everyone does not want or isn’t possib;e; A question mark for any solutions that you do not all agree on”
• “Discuss the solutions using I-messages and reflective listening.”
• “Agree to check in on the solution at a later date to see if it is still meeting everyone’s needs. If everything’s going well, this is a wonderful chance to remember how you all solved the problem by working together.”
• “I recommend trying win-win for th efirst time with a positive problem (…) such as where to go on your next vacation or what to do on the weekend.”
• “Be sure to translate their solutions into underlying needs“
• “It may take some discussion and convincing to get your child to participate in win-win problem solving.”
• “briefly explain the method and assure your child that both of you need to be happy with the results.”
• “Choose a time when no one is hungry, cranky, or tired.”
• “It’s a natural habit to evaluate the ideas as they come up, but practice restraint here!”
• “in the beginning, expect it to take some time and repetition, just as with anything new we laern.”
• “Win-win problem solving doesn’t mean that we always get the solution we want, but it does ensure that everyone’s needs are met. Children are much more likely to cooperate because their needs are getting met.”
• “this method empowers children to speak up and consider others at the same time”
• “win-win helps us mentor children to work cooperatively with others in the future.”
• “Imagine what the world would be like if every child grew up with these values!”
• “sibling conflicts are a normal part of life and will happen a lot. We should accept the reality of this.”
• “How do we help young children express their needs, stand up for themselves, and listen to their siblings? How do we help two, or even three, small children work through strong emotions at the same time?”
• “Dr. Laura Markham shares three tenets of raising peaceful siblings: our own self-regulation, prioritizing connection, and aiming to “coach, not control.””
• “Role modeling is the most powerful form of teaching. Our own self-regulation is the hardest work any of us do”
• “This is where our mindfulness practices come into play: RAIN for handling our own difficult feelings, plus slow, deep breaths.”
• “They can calm themselves more easily, so they fight less.”
• “make maintaining a warm connection with each child your primary goal. Connection is what motivates children to follow our guidance. We can’t really make anyone do something without using force. Our children have to choose to do what we say.”
• “Instead of force, a coach uses influence, teaching children to be their best. Controlling, on the other hand, is forcing a child to behave as you’d like by threatening punishment.”
• “Kids raised with punishment learn to use it against their siblings to increase their own standing and power. (…) When siblings are punished for fighting with each other, they become more resentful of each other and focused on revenge.”
• “Think of yourself as their coach.”
• “If you’re worried about safety, however, it’s always a good idea to step in.”
• “How do we coach? The crucial first move is to pause.”
• “acknowledge what is going on. Use I-messages and reflective listening. Acknowledging and describing what you see can take the situation down a notch.”
• “I hear lots of yelling. You look really mad. I won’t let you hit your brother.”
• “I’m worried about that stick, and it looks like Taylor is too.”
• “And I don’t like the loud voices inside, it makes my muscles tight. I’m not going to let you hurt him. What are you needing right now?”
• “There aren’t any easy answers when everyone needs you at once. The reality is that you won’t be able to fix every problem or comfort every hurt.”
• “When both need you at once, try to tend to them both.“
• “If you need to go to one child over the other, speak to the child you aren’t going to.“
• “Take care of the feelings first. WHen emotions are running high, the learning centers in the brain shut down, so it’s a bad time for solving problems”
• “Conflicts can, however, bring us even closer together if we use these moments as opportunities to be real and vulnerable, and to come together to repair the damage done.”
• “On a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh, I learned the Beginning Anew framework for repairing a relationship”
• “Beginning Anew has three parts: offering appreciation, sharing regrets, and expressing hurts and difficulties. You can do this in person, or write a letter of Beginning Anew if your child reads.”
• “You may mention specific instances when the other person said or did something that you appreciated.”
• “This is your chance to mention any unskillful actions, speech, or thoughts that you feel bad about and haven’t yet had an opportunity to apologize for.”
• “Now you share how you felt hurt by something the other person did or said. Use your I-messages here.”
• “Write and send a letter (or eamil) of Beginning Anew to someone you love.”
• “Note you can also use just (…) [appreciation and regrets] when you don’t have a specific hurt or difficulty”
• “Beginning Anew gives us a framework to communicate skillfully instead of failing back into old, unskillful language. The goal is to repair the relationship.”
• “I’ve written letters of Beginning Anew to both of my parents, which helped us come together in a more authentic way.”
• “Consider this a powerful tool fo rall of your relationships.”
• “As we start to shift away from using raw power over our children, our influence grows – a benefit we’ll appreciate as our children get older.”
• “I believe that adolescent rebellion is not a reaction against parents themselves but against the unskillful or harsh discipline methods parents use.”
• “if we have limited our use of power and instead grown our influence, then our children will be more likely to trust and be open to our input.”
• “Unresolved conflicts, festering over time, can be extremely toxic for a relationship. Children often nurture old wounds and skew parents’ motives if the conflict is not discussed.”
• “It won’t always work out. There will be times when you find yourself using power as a parent. There may even be times when that is the more skillful choice.”
• “Our children need our influence in the turbulent teen years.”
• “keep the lines of communication open for when your kid needs you the most.”
• “The foundation of this approach is in your intention to be present and curious – your intention to help your child.”
• “In those difficult moments, don’t act right away.”
• “What to Practice This Week: sitting Meditation (…), Loving-Kindness meditation (…), Win-Win Problem Solving, Write a letter of Beginning Anew”
• Chapter 8: Supporting Your Peaceful Home
• “The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.” — Denis Waitley
• “Every day when my daughters get off the school bus, I try to be there. And by “be there” I mean be fully present, as best as I can, letting go of my worries for the day, centering myself, and becoming calm in my body.”
• “I know that the strength of our relationship lies in these little moments and in the rhythms and rituals that shape each day.”
• “mindful parenting is not about a technique to create an outcome but about building a loving relationship for life.”
• “Children want to please us when they’re treated with love, compassion, respect – and when their own stress levels aren’t too high.”
• “The skills you’ve learned so far – mindfulness meditation, disarming your triggers, loving-kindness, reflective listening, I-messages, and mindful problem solving – already constitue a road map to a strong relationship.”
• “The relationship we have with our children is the glue that holds us together. It’s truly the very foundation of raising a good human. That is why all the work we’ve done (…), to ground us – so we can connect and show that love.”
• “The more our children experience our unconditional love, the safer and more relaxed they feel.”
• “All of this love creates a positive feedback loop, making parenting easier over time.”
• “Even though her problem was with me, this affectionate touch soothed her and she eventually climbed into my lap.”
• “Being touched and touching someone else are fundamental modes of human interaction.”
• “Positive physical touch (…) reassure children of our presence, decrease their stress response, and help them regulate their own emotions.”
• “How much loving touch should we offer? (…) as often as possible.”
• “did you know that roughhousing and wrestling are great for kids too?”
• “aggressive, physical play can help children express their feelings, learn impulse control, and build confidence.”
• “Just remember these rules about roughhousing: pay attention, let your child win (most of the time), and always stop if someone is hurt. Just as with tickling, when a child says stop, stop right away.”
• “Many of us busy adults (…) have resistance to getting down on the floor and playing with our children.”
• “Play is the currency of childhood.”
• “Saying yes to play with your child doesn’t have to be onerous or take up a lot of time. In fact, kids are often ready to move on after just a short while. Set a timer for ten minutes and dive in whole-heartedly for that time.”
• “Think of it as a “playing meditation””
• “Just follow your child’s lead – temporarily give her the power she craves in a world in which she is mostly powerless. Often you rrole will be minimal.”
• “Special Time is a way for us to give kids what they crave: 100 percent of our attention without any distractions. THe premise is that you let your child lead the way (while keeping him safe), and you agree to be up for anything.””
• “1) Announce Special Time; 2) Set a timer; 3) Let your child lead; 4) Resist the urge to judge or evaluate your child; 5) Refrain from checking your phone; 6) End Special Time when the timer sounds.”
• “Some parents offer Special Time daily or several times a week.”
• “Children want to be able to do all the things that adults do. Encourage this! Children can and should work with us in daily life.”
• “Very young children can wipe up spills, set out the napkins, help feed the cat, and so on. As they grow, their responsibilities should grow too.”
• “research has shown that a child who does chores has a greater chance of success later in life!”
• “”success” defined as not using drugs, having quality relationships, finidhing education, and getting started in a career.”
• “the most successful kids started doing chores at three to four years of age“
• “A lifetime of capability and responsibility starts with you taking the time to connect through working together.”
• “Rather than “Good job”, use I-messages to praise your child honestly and descriptively.”
• “be specific in your encouragement”
• “When you intentionally, consciously connect, you put deposits in your bank relationship bank account – allowing for inevitable withdrawals later.”
• “Positive physical touch, play, working together, and praise are just a few of the many ways you can connect.”
• “Make it a point to ensure that your child knows you see her, hear her, and love her often.”
• “Setting healthy boundaries means tempering our children’s wild nature (but not crushing it) and mentoring our children in how to be (ultimately) good adults.”
• “When kids push at boundaries, our job is to gently and insistently hold them firm so we don’t end up with children who run roughshod over others’ needs.”
• “It helps enormously to save the fun stuff for after they’ve taken care of their responsibilities.”
• “It could be that dessert happens after your child clears and wipes the table.”
• “Please don’t use this approach as a threat (…) it’s not a threat to lose the privilege, it’s simply a natural consequence.”
• “Life with children becomes much easier when we have a fairly consistent pattern to our days and weeks.”
• “If they know what to expect from their days, they are much less likely to resist at each step.”
• “starting the night before with a consistent, early bedtime. Chldren need a lot of sleep.”
• “How do you know if your child is getting enough sleep? Answer: When your child wakes up on her own, without an alarm, feeling refreshed.”
• “a predictable rhythm for dinners (…) Keeping to this rhythm helped my young children know what day of the week it was and made them less resistant about meals. It also made stepping out of the rhythm with a night at a restaurant a real treat.”
• “What happens in your home every week? How can you make the week more rhythmic?”
• “Maria Montessori (…) realized that when adults facilitate the proper environment, we can tap into children’s intrinsic desire to learn and be independent.”
• “Why are they so independently industrious? For starters, everything is at their level. (…) And children are given some power. They are allowed to choose their work from a prescribed range of options.”
• “Children can and want to do more even at young ages.”
• “Make sure sponges and rags are within his reach for cleanup.”
• “As much as you can, give your young one actual tools to use.”
• “When you modify your environment to help your child be independent early, you set up healthy expectations of capability and contribution.”
• “One of the biggest challenges to parenting mindfully is the problem of too much. We all seem to struggle with stress from packed schedules and an overabundance of stuff.”
• “On their own, children naturally move at a much slower pace (as you have probably noticed), living fully in the moment and exploring their worlds deeply. Too much activity deprives children of the time to see, touch, smell and listen to the world.”
• “As children’s schedules have become increasingly full, their mental health has collectively taken a downward slide.”
• “We can’t instigate this state, (…) we can only leave time and space for unsupervised (but safe) free play”
• “it’s good for children to feel bored! In Simplicity Parenting, author and counselor-therapist Kim Payne characterizes boredom as a “gift”, describing it as the precursor to creativity”
• “What do we say when our children complain of being bored? (…) “Something to do is right around the corner.” Don’t rescue them and don’t entertain them. They’ll find something to do.”
• “Time for children’s play without guidance and purpose is no less than developmentally vital.”
• “Dr. Brown studied murderers in Texas prisons and found that none of the men had ever experienced normal rough-and-tumble play, not even one.”
• “Our diminishing leisure time is detrminetal for children. We must fight back and take back our time.”
• “Ideally, give your child unstructured free time every day to play and daydream.”
• “When you have a busy day, balance that with a calm day.”
• “When you simplify your child’s schedule, you’ll be giving her the lifelong gift of a true childhood.”
• “this profusion of products and playthings is not just a symptom of excess but a cause of stress”
• “When faced with an excess of choices, children learn to undervalue their playthings and choose to hold out for something more.”
• “While she was at preschool, I radically decluttered her room, taking the majority of toys away and leaving a spacious, appealing space.”
• “Less stuff actually means more ease.”
• “Pick a time when your child is not at home. Then gather up and radically reduce the number of toys.”
• “list of toys for the discard pile, including: Broken toys (…) too old or too young for your child, Character toys from movies, Toys that “do too much” and break too easily, very high-stimulation toys, annoying (…) toys”
• “Keep toys that encourage pretend play and creativity”
• “Once you simplify the toys, cast an eye to the other areas of your child’s life and home.”
• “remember, we are always modeling for our children.”
• “Screens are as mesmerizing and irresistible to children as they are to us, so if we want them to grow up grounded in reality, it behooves us to set limits on screen time. I invite you to consider the issue of kids and screen time from the stance of the middle path.”
• “Do you put limits around your screen time? Kids see how we live and learn from that. (…) look to see what shifts you can make in your own technology use first.”
• “It’s ideal to hold off on screen time all together when they’re babies. Once your child is older than two, you may wish to introduce some content.”
• “think of screen time as an evolving conversation to which you can apply a sense of mindful curiosity.”
• “Use password protection on devices (…) Set parental controls (…) Establish time limits (…) Keep all screens and technology out in “public” family spaces (…) Don’t give your child screen time thirty minutes to an hour before bedtime (…) Resist handling your child your phone while waiting in line or driving in the car if you can (…) Have aweekly digital detox day (…) No one has phones at the dinner table (…) Delay giving your child a smartphone”
• “it’s okay (even good) for your child to be bored sometimes. However, you must walk the talk.”
• “The environment in your home has a big impact on your ability to stay grounded and communicate skillfully with your child.”
• “It all starts with the one thing you can have control over: you.”
• “Those challenges showed me the learning I needed to do.”
• “As you follow this path, please remember that there is no such thing as perfect.”
• “I asked a group of experts each the same question: “What do children need?” Prominent among the answers was unconditional love – loving our children whether they’re having a good day or they’re struggling. If children can grow up knowing unconditional love, it creates the best possible foundation for emotionally healthy adulthoods.”
• “How do we give unconditional love? By leading with loving and accepting ourselves.”
• “Remember that our old habits are familiar and strong. It takes diligent practice to bring mindfulness into daily life and learn to respond to our children emphatetically and skillfully.”
• “Children to know how to solve problems in ways that meet everyone’s needs can help evolve the way we interact as humans. Your efforts will have ripple effects.”
• “But underneath all of that, you will have a loving relationship for life. Your effort here can make all the difference in the world to the person who means the most to you: your child.”