Recently I read a book called The Happiest Kids in the World, about how Dutch parents raise their kids. I live in the Netherlands, I’m not Dutch and I have a young daughter, so this book was really interesting to me!

To summarize it very very briefly: chill out. Give your kids a bit of structure and a lot of freedom. Nurture them and nurture yourself. Happy kids have happy parents. Do less, and instead do more of what matters. The message of the book is positive, actionable and a tremendous relief for parents, especially those who come from an overachieving background.

Here are my notes from the book:

• The Rs: cleanliness, rest and structure. Kids behave when they are rested and know what’s going on.
• If you’re more relaxed as a parent, your kid relaxes too. Less about the method, more about the vibe.
• Not the best parent of the world, but a good enough one.
• European vs US mentality: Wanting your kids to be happya and integrated in the community, vs wanting your kids to succeed.
• At school, happiness is crucial.
• Golden Mean is essential to Dutch thinking.
• Passing is just fine.
• Emphasis on emotions and connectedness, and following your own pace of learning. Not classifying nor pushing kids.
• But yet, Dutch levels of education, literacy and numeracy are at the top of the charts worldwide. Also for adults.
• Emphasis on happiness, not discipline.
• Opvoeding (upbringing, raising, rearing) rather than discipline.
• Clear rules, lower expectations, discussing and agreeing rather than punishing.
• Research indicates that punishment makes kids adapt their behavior to avoid punishment but not to learn what they did wrong, whereas explanation/diversion/distraction can help them control their emotion and behaviour more effectively.
• Erasmus talked about the importance of appealing to the good nature of kids when educating them.
• The Polder Model: decision making by consensus. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion, even small kids.
• Negotiating with your kids all the time can be time consuming and exhausting.
• Preferred way of going to school: by bike.
• “There’s nothing like other hildren whizzing past unassisted to motivate a child.”
• The Netherlands has the lowest child obesity % of the first world.
• “The best progress is made when it is child-led not parent-pushed.”
• The Dutch didn’t invent the bicycle but they did invent the mudguard.
• Kids start going to school alone by bike during primary school.
• “In my next life, I want to be Dutch.” — Pamela Druckerman
• Dutch thriftiness is about value for money, in terms of lifestyle. If money costs time, then using money wisely amounts to spending your life i what matters.
• The Netherlands is at or near the top of the countries that donate money.
• The Netherlands has the highest proportion of people working part-time in EU and OECD, and also the lowest average of worked hours by employed people.
• Happiness decrease for parents is only associated with social policies that don’t support them correctly. If society supports parents, their happiness levels stay the same.
• Dutch are highly productive.
• Dutch “the reputation of a woman from the Netherlands mainly revolves around her dominant position both in the home and in the marriage. (…) she is much more than the equal o her husband. She stands alongside, if not above, her husband.” (From the book Vrouw des Huizes)
• Oxfam: Netherlands has the best food in the world, as a combination of access, affordability, quality and obesity levels.
• Family meals are crucial: breakfast & dinner. The food itself is very simple and easy to prepare. Dinners are more of a family than a social affair.
• A study indicates that the regularity of family meals is associated with lower high school dropping out, teenage pregnancy and drug use.
• The Netherlands had no court, but decentralized government. Most ceremony and etiquette are considered to be “nonsense”.
• In the Netherlands, “teen sex is very much tolerated, and most teenagers have their first sexual experience in the safety of the parental home.” Teenagers do not have sex at an earlier age than thsoe in other European countries or in the US”. High use of contraceptives amongst teenagers and few teenage pregnancies. US and parts of the Commonwealth top the charts of teenage pregnancy for OECD countries.
• “the rule for parents is that nothing should be kept from children and that there are no taboo subjects. The idea is to answer any questions, simply and honestly, as they arise, at the child’s level of understanding and maturity.”
• Dutch age of consent is 16.
• Romantic sleepovers for teens are allowed at home. “It’s the same accepting but controlling tolerance they have towrds soft drugs and prostitution, for example. Teenage sex is allowed, buy they prefer it to be in a controlled environment, that is, under the teen’s parents’ own roof.”
• “Research suggests that cultivating sexual taboos leads to sexual fixations and a ‘forbidden fruit’ complex.”
• Dutch teenagers rebel less. The reasons are not clear, but it probably is a combination of more freedom as kids, as well as during teenage years, less school pressure (homework averages 45m a day), balanced gender roles and good communication with parents from an early age.
• Rules are set up between parents and kids. Kids have a say.
• Faalangst: fear of failure.
• Dutch teenagers are also the happiest in the world.
• “If they don’t fall, they don’t learn.”